Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot . Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper .
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reacting is to try and scare it with the cursor ?
Do you know what really makes me smile ? Facial muscles .
Please don't look at this status now. Why are you still looking , I told you not to look at this . I can't believe your still looking . :)
It's amazing when strangers become friends , but it's sad when friends become strangers .
I'm so good at sleep , I can do it with my eyes closed .
When a man talks dirty to a women , it's sexual harassment , when a women talks dirty to a man , it's $9.99 per minute .
This is the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style, the husband sits and begs , and the wife rolls over and plays dead .
Darth Vader is your father .
Teachers call it copying , but we call it teamwork .
Women are magical creatures.they get wet without water, bleed without being injured, give milk without eating grass, make boneless meat rock - hard .
Karins's fantasy is having two men... one cooking and cleaning .
Let your smile change the world , but don't let the world change your smile .
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi .
eL says , "Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby .
eL ► Play The Moments ▌▌ Pause The Memories ■ Stop The Pain ◄◄ Rewind The Happiness.
eL is trying to decide - laundry today or naked tomorrow .
eL ATTEMPTING TO GIVE A DAMN ▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓▓░ 87% complete.... ERROR:We dont give a damn .
eL is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute .
eL is such a fabulous cook, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on!
I like kids, but I don’t think I could eat a whole one.
You have 10 fish , 5 drown , 3 come back to life . How many fish do you have ? Stop counting smart one . Fish can't DROWN .
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy ? I bet he's not laughing out loud .
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak .
Don't you find it funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T) , the rest of the week says WTF ?
eL is loading is Loading ████████████ 99%
Nobody wished me a happy birthday today , which isn't surprising really; , since it isn't my birthday .
Sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street and say "YOU'RE IT" and then run away .
eL (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~ Smoking Kills
eL is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars ?
Facebook is the only place where it's acceptable to talk to a wall .
I wish life came with a remote to ◄◄ rewind ► play ▌▌pause ►► fast forward or sometimes just mute..
I looked at the keyboard earlier and I noticed (U) & (I) are together , it's meant to be ! I looked underneath it & it said JK .
Grammar is important . For instance , commas save lives : Let's eat grandpa . Lets eat , grandpa .
eL feels like getting some work done... and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes .
eL had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide .
eL used to play sports . Then he realized you can buy trophies . Now he's good at everything .
If you think the thing I say out loud are bad , you should hear the things I keep to myself .
You broke my heart into several pieces , Good ! Now I can give it to several girls .
║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
Kids in the back seat cause accidents . Accidents in the back seats cause kids .
I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Who says I’m not in shape? Round’s a shape, isn’t it?
I thought I wanted a long career, turns out I just wanted cash money.
My job is definitely secure. No one else wants it.
47% of all statistics are worthless.
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles (and in a big font)!
James is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
everyone wants to be happy, nobody wants to feel pain, but you can't have rainbows, without any rain?
thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"
STOP EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING!! Think about me for 3 seconds. 1... 2... 3... You have just experienced the best 3 seconds of your life
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
wants to know if you like water... You do? Then you'll like at least 70% of my body...
why does looking at animals covered in oil make me sad, but looking at animals covered in oil and deep-fried make me hungry?
Isn't it ironic we ignore the ones who adore us , adore the ones ignore us , love the ones who hurt us and hurt the ones who love us
Just realized the tooth fairy teaches us to sell our body parts for money! Isn't that really bad?
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on suicide. The librarian said, "F* off, you won't bring it back!
It is scientifically proven that a woman can be satisfied with only 8.5 cm. - and it doesn't matter if the card is Visa or MasterCard...
You wanna know what's weird? If you scream in a Library, everyone just looks at you, but if you scream on a plane, everyone joins in!!
A smile is like tight underwear ... it makes your cheeks go up
How come when your wifes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy & say congratulations! But nobody rubs your balls and says good job!
is out making some changes in her life...leave a message and I'll get back yo you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes
The world can not end in 2012 because my can of tuna expires in 2014.
I Gotta Feeling if you Meet Me Halfway that Imma Be like Boom Boom Pow
Life was much more simpler when Apple and Blackberry were just fruits!!!
Morning is nature's way of saying: HA, HA, now you have to do it all over again... Sucker!!!
is so bored shes considering going to the gym, dressed as a candy bar & standing in front of a overweight guy & waving while eating skittles
Peter reminds you to not play stupid with me! I’m better at it.
Steven is not for everyone. Clinical tests show that Steven may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if Steven is right for you.
Josh thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”
Jessie took the “Are you spending too much time on Facebook” quiz and the result is “No – You should spend much more time”. Jessie shot the computer.
Cleo really wishes she could but, I’m attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
Linda notices that nobody ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
Lauren lives vicariously… through herself.
Neal is nealing the neally neal with the help of his close neal.
Liz is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Sandy really wishes she could but, My panty hose sprung a leak.
Sean is going to drink wet cement and get really stoned.
Sonia has found love in facebook. She is from Bangladesh and “vhan day vill reesh amehica”.
Claire is disturbed by abominable quadrupeds.
Sara couldn’t myself have better it said.
James is for external use only. See your doctor before administering.
Erick is a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I’m perfect.
Jay feels ashamed of his smoking but it’s better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come true then to be selfish & worry about my lungs.
Jack will update his Facebook status for money!
Ruby says it’s been a business doing pleasure with you.
Ian just found out that they took the word “gullible” out of the dictionary!
James is going to borrow money from a pessimist. They don’t expect to be paid back.
Rob is wondering if he had everything, where would he keep it?
Jolene understands that hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now.
I want you , I need you , I miss you , I love you .
I need a heart to live . But it's hard for it to beat when you're so far away !
How come when you break a bone , they can give you pain killers , but when your heart gets broken there is nothing they can do about it .
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes , seek out the good in people . For a slim figure , share your food with the hungry .
